Hatred and Forgiveness

Most of us know what it feels like to hold on to anger.

Someone says something that hurts us. Someone lets us down. We feel wronged, overlooked, or treated unfairly. And long after the moment has passed, the thoughts remain. We replay what happened. We revisit what was said. We imagine what we should have done differently.

In those moments, anger and hatred can feel justified – even necessary.

But there’s a quiet truth worth reflecting on:

Holding on to anger and hatred often affects us more than the person we’re angry with.

The Weight of Holding On

There’s a passage from the Dhammapada that captures this idea simply and powerfully:

“He was angry with me, he attacked me, he defeated me, he robbed me – those who dwell on such thoughts will never be free from hatred.”

It’s not the event itself that keeps the hatred alive – it’s the dwelling on it.

When we repeatedly go over a situation in our minds, we keep the emotional response active. The body doesn’t always distinguish between something happening now and something being remembered vividly. So the tension, frustration, and stress continue. Over time, this can take a toll – not just emotionally, but physically too.

Forgiveness Others is Releasing Yourself

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It’s sometimes seen as:

• Letting someone “off the hook”

• Saying what happened was acceptable

• Weakness or avoidance

But in reality, forgiveness is something quite different. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the grip of ongoing anger.

It doesn’t mean forgetting.

It doesn’t mean excusing.

It doesn’t mean you have to continue a relationship.

It simply means choosing not to carry the same emotional burden forward.

In many cases, the person you forgive may not even know you’ve done it. That’s because the primary benefit is not for them – it’s for you.

Why Forgiveness Can Be Difficult

If forgiveness is so beneficial, why is it often so hard? Because anger can feel protective.

Anger can create a sense of:

• Control

• Moral clarity

• Distance from pain

Letting go of anger can sometimes feel like letting go of those things too.

There’s also the question of fairness. You might think: “Why should I let go when they were in the wrong?” This is a valid feeling. But forgiveness is not about fairness – it’s about freedom.

Turning Inwards: Forgiving Yourself

While forgiving others can be difficult, many people find that forgiving themselves is even harder.

We can be incredibly harsh on ourselves.

We replay mistakes.

We criticise our decisions.

We judge ourselves in ways we would never judge someone else.

But continuing to punish yourself rarely leads to growth – it more often leads to:

• Shame

• Low self-esteem

• Anxiety

From a counselling perspective, self-forgiveness is not about denying responsibility. It’s about acknowledging what happened, learning from it, and allowing yourself to move forward.

Mistakes and failures are not signs that you are flawed – they are part of being human.

The Habit of Judgement

Another layer to this is how we judge others.

Imagine someone is consistently late. You might think:

• “They’re hopeless.”

• “They’re unreliable.”

These are global judgements – they define the whole person based on one behaviour.

But what if we reframed it slightly?

• “They struggle with timekeeping.”

This shifts the focus from the person to the behaviour. It might seem like a small difference, but it can have a big impact on how you feel.

The more harshly we judge others, the more likely we are to feel frustrated, irritated, or resentful. The more we soften those judgements, the more space we create for understanding and inner calm.

Perspective and Empathy

Everyone carries their own experiences, pressures, and challenges – many of which are invisible. It’s easy to judge someone based on what we see: what’s harder is to keep in mind that there is often a lot more that we don’t see.

There’s a saying often attributed to Native American wisdom:

“Never judge a person until you have walked in their shoes.”

While we can never fully know someone else’s experience, even considering that possibility can shift our perspective. It doesn’t mean agreeing with their behaviour. But it can open the door to empathy and reduce the intensity of your anger.

Letting Go Without Losing Boundaries

Forgiveness does not mean allowing harmful behaviour to continue.

You can forgive someone and still:

• Set clear boundaries

• Reduce contact

• Choose not to continue a relationship

In fact, healthy boundaries are often an important part of the process.

Forgiveness is internal: boundaries are external. Both can exist at the same time.

A Counselling Perspective

In counselling, themes of anger, resentment, and self-criticism come up frequently. Often, the work is not about forcing forgiveness, but about:

• Understanding the impact of holding on

• Exploring what the anger is protecting

• Gently considering alternatives

Forgiveness is not something that can be rushed. It tends to emerge gradually, as understanding and self-awareness deepen.

And sometimes the first step is not forgiving the other person, but being less harsh with yourself.

A Practice of Releasing

If forgiveness feels difficult, it can help to think of it as a process rather than a single decision.

You might begin by noticing:

• What thoughts you return to repeatedly

• How those thoughts make you feel

• Whether holding on to them is helping or harming you

Then, slowly, you can begin to loosen their grip. Not all at once. Not perfectly. But gradually.

Final Thoughts

The Dhammapada reminds us that:

“Hatred can never put an end to hatred; love alone can.”

Whether or not that feels fully true for you, there is something deeply practical in the idea that holding on to hatred and anger keeps them alive.

Letting go, on the other hand, creates space:

• Space for calm

• Space for clarity

• Space for something different

• And perhaps most importantly, space to move forward

In the end, forgiveness is not about changing the past – it’s about changing your relationship with it.